no shame november

My eyes were puffy bloodshot eyelids swollen blue and purple semi circles imprinted on the delicate tissue my body was aching everything felt stiff and sore my blood felt of glass frozen glass as if nothing was moving everything was at a standstill, my bones felt dead and brittle as if I would snap!! any second, as if I would crack!! at the wrong step a miscalculated twist. I rolled out of bed the sheets catching my leg. I tripped to the floor my knee hit hard another bruise another blue another purple it was all the same. I climbed up gripping the side of the bed my feet padded along the cold hardwood floor. I saw my reflection glinting in the waxy sheen, step step step along the long quiet hallway. Everything was cold. I ached, my head throbbed, I looked into the mirror. The walls were painted white. I looked into the mirror, I tried not to. I didn’t want to see what I knew I was going to see. I saw the puffy eyes, I saw the swollen slated purple under my eyes. I gripped the hard edges of the sink, I closed my eyes. I felt sick, I didn’t want to look in the mirror anymore. The white on the walls seemed too fucking clean for me. His yelling, his screaming and pushing and pulling and grabbing were too much. I was tainted. The purples and blues screamed too loudly. Could they hear me? I had work in thirty minutes. I washed my face. It hurt and the white was blinding. It didn’t matter. Everything was late. Time didn’t slow for the weak.

(ethany)