no shame november

I’m avoidance. I actually procrastinate writing, no typing everything that has occupied my mind down until the last minute, the last chance of submit something for this project. I always lie, circumvent, duck away, dramatize and stay silent whenever the siren in my head blaring, signifying something is coming up, although it was just only encountering or hanging out with friends, my closest ones.

That trait showed up, as far as I remember, in grade 5 at a friend’s birthday party when the boy I liked arrived and I pretended that I hadn’t seen him, until later he came and talked to me first. Maybe I was only shy. It started to worsen the first days of secondary school. I saw a mate in my old English class who I used to look up to; she greeted and asked which school I came from. I lied to her that I was in a prestigious school, though in fact my real one was small and mostly unknown. That moment the urge of protecting myself, of building a dazzling facade to the world emerged within the bed of my soul. Nobody knew. The second incident happened in the summer: I joined a wushu class since I was impressed with the smooth movements those athletes made and it was popular in my country - many gold medals were gained. I was the slowest, the most inflexible. I could not understand nor even mimic, hence one day I decided to act like going to class when my parents took me there then as they turned away, I skipped and wandered around. It went fine until mom found me hiding. I told her that I had stomachache (she didn’t believe a word), she brought me to dad’s office and all hell broke loose. They compared me to my best friend. I felt so ashamed and humiliated, yet years later I still retreated to that fucked up pattern, this time I was extremely late for English class. The wall escalated especially with sports. The behavior repeats also when dealing with close people, worst in grade 10 - I deceived my primary friends just like the first time mentioning above. And one of them used to be my closest buddy. I haven’t told them the truth; the last time I saw the one that I was nearest to I even did not remember about that event, I just felt ecstatic seeing him again.

I only aware about the devastation degree of what I have done months ago. My self-image tumbled down, crashing into pieces. Where had my self-conscious been? was my first reaction. I hate myself for being dumb, blind and self-center at that time. It’s weird though, I was used by my classmate for money during secondary without realization; naive and easily tricked by strangers. It was twisted karma, a form of consequences of the pains I have caused.

Right now I’m in self-denial, at least to everyone. I shut down, distance from people as much as possible, except my family yet they don’t know any of this, they urged me to change but I don’t care. I stay at home instead of enrolling in a college, mindlessly surfing tumblrs and watching tv as a way to escape real life. I don’t know my strengths. I panicked or hypersensitive whenever hearing critics, especially from my parents. I just whispered “You guys haven’t seen the other side of me” whenever my close friends texted me about my positive traits to cheer me up. In truth, these moments exist, yet they’re fleeting. I always mess up at some point of the day.

Emptiness fills me up. I’m a hypocritical, selfish, flamboyant bitch. I searched about my trait, it comes out that I might am avoidant personality disorder, but sometimes i enjoy pushing friends away the more they get close to me. Narcissist? The more I know, the more nebulous everything is. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

Damn, this is way too lengthy, I’m rambling too much. Now, the words are out, I just feel numb.

(vitchan)