no shame november

Born in shame, I saw those images pierce my eyes and burn themselves into my memory. I feel myself craving some grotesque touch to sliver up through my things and ruin me, but in that split second before it enters through me, I can feel my soul screaming and thrashing to escape. I carry the shame that you hold inside of your heart. Born in shame. You brought up something I shouldn’t have ever tapped into, or was I meant to see things this sickly? Looking at a happy family leads me to nights you spent alone with me, and all I can do is flinch as I wonder what really lies behind their smiles. I am ashamed of the way your eyes would bore into mine, the way my body moved and gave others the same greedy stare. I would feel your eyes everywhere I looked. There is a constant battle with wanting to give you perfection and showing you what you’ve made me. As I lose myself, I welcome you in. I yearn for it in my darkest hour and all but vomit once I realize what I’ve done. I am so afraid that someone will see me and realize the sick monster I am, and I am screaming that it’s not my fault! I want to flush it out but something is sickly embedded into me and I can’t do anything about it. I feel you lurking for me in the night, and your poor old hands reaching out to get rid of your shame. Oh, how I beg that I will not be you; but how can I not when I think the way I do? How can I know that I won’t tarnish something beautiful? I want you out of my head and I want to not think of all the disgusting things I am capable of but no matter how many times I rip you apart you come back right in front of my eyes and I can’t help myself. When I think about what has been done, I cringe and am filled with shame. I was born in it, and fear I will always be a slave to it.

(thereisashine)