no shame november

I used to plan things like this out. When I was in the fifth grade, I had visions of myself pulling the cutest boy in the class behind the big Oak tree at the school playground. And while the shade of the leaves was hovering over our heads, I would tell him: “I like you” and he would kiss me on the cheek and all of the other girls watching from the squeaky swings would drag their feet on the wood chips in jealousy. None of that ever happened, though. Cause we grow up afraid of taking chances, of taking risks, of staring straight into the face of rejection.

People are always saying “be brave”. And when there’s something pulling the muscles in your chest so tightly that it feels they might snap, it is hard not to listen. Yes I may be a royal pessimist or a raging lunatic or an over-thinker of the worst kind, but I can’t say I didn’t try. You can’t say I didn’t try.

Maybe you’ll never know that I slammed on the brakes when I turned the corner. Maybe you’ll never know that I almost spun the wheel around and zipped my mouth shut. But I fucking didn’t, and that’s what matters most. Must’ve been intoxicated off of high hopes and happy endings when I told myself this was what you wanted. Head nods and white smoke. Shivering stomach and lack of eye contact. “What do you want me to say?”

I used to plan things out, but this? This was never my sole intention. This was me talking to the wall all week long, hoping at some point it might talk back. This was a fly ball to left field, and someone’s glove had a hole in it. The idea and the outcome are hardly ever the same for me. It’s something I’ve gotten used to, but that doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. This is long-term and awkward and indecisive and I can’t sleep at night. There really is no proper set of words to describe the true feeling of missing someone once you’ve pushed them away. And even if there was, I’d go back to biting my tongue and the insides of my cheeks in order to keep it all inside. But I said what I said and I meant it and you’ll realize that some day.

Until then, don’t let anyone else inside that head of yours.

(cellardoorsjackie)