SUBMISSIONS ARE CLOSED
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I am a very fortunate person to be in my second round of a very amazing scholarship program to a very good school. But I’m scared of that change and I’m scared to get the scholarship because that means moving far away. If I don’t get the scholarship I will stay close to home and that’s comforting to me. I don’t want to lose people and I know if I get this scholarship for sure I will lose people that mean the most to me. I don’t want that. Those people mean everything to me, and I feel like moving to PA, or Tennessee or LA would just break that. I’m scared of losing friends because I won’t be able to keep in contact as much or hang out as much. And I know its a natural thing to change and grow as people but I love my friends and I don’t want to lose them. And I don’t want to lose my first love, because long distance isn’t going to be easy I want it to be but I know it wont. I want to keep everything the same, even if I know its not possible. I’m being selfish but I just want to be happy. I’m scared, scared to lose everything that is so familiar.
I have a secret that nobody knows.
It starts in my heart and stems to my toes.
I store it deep down within my soul,
Praying that one day I might feel whole.
My secret eats away at all that I feel,
Until I become as cold as steel.
Everything’s numb and I feel so cold.
I am so young yet I feel so old.
My body hurts and I am lost.
My heart is covered with layers of frost.
So tired but sleep will not save me.
Why won’t anyone answer my plea?
What is my secret you may ask?
To explain is an heartbreaking task….
My mind is gone and my heart has died
My body is just along for the ride.
My secret, dear friend, has killed me it seems.
And destroyed all of my hopes and dreams.
I slit my wrists and hope for the best
Maybe I will finally get some rest.
And as I slip into deep slumber.
It is of you that I cannot help but wonder.
I am sorry that I let you down.
Do not let my death make you drown
In tears of sorrow or self hate
Thinking that you came too late.
But be happy that I lived at all
And know that you were the one for whom I stood tall.
I love you, you know, and I will watch you with care
And send you my kisses through the sweet air.
But please let me go my dear friend.
You will be sad, but it is my time to end.
I have made my entire life about saving myself for marriage. I’ve let countless guys go because of it and relationship after relationship fail. I’ve been in love before, I’ve been hurt so many times because of it. I thought I was so strong. It’s always been something I’ve never had to think about. Last night I let things go too far with a guy I’ve been seeing for three weeks. I felt nothing. I thought it was going to be something that bound me to this person forever. I thought there would be fireworks and romance. There was 30 Rock and a cat staring at me. I stopped it before the actual deed, but the worst part was feeling like I lost myself. Who am I if I’m not a virgin? What was the last 22 years for? I didn’t lose my virginity but I might as well have. I don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore.
Over the past few days, I’ve found a handful of No Shame November posts trickling into my email account. Though I can’t post them, I would like to say that if any of you feel the urge to share your stories, you may continue to pass them along in my direction. Sometimes the catharsis is contained in just writing it and sending it away, not necessarily allowing hundreds of strangers to read it. It is enough to have it removed from yourself and tucked somewhere safe.
Thank you to everyone who participated in No Shame November this year. You have all proved your willingness to do something outside of your comfort zone, and I hope you gained a little something from sharing your words.
Until next time,
the scariest part of this project is that i am being honest, but i still don’t feel very brave.
Every time I tell myself just once more, you’ll be perfect soon, this is the last one. I’m lying, and I know it, but that won’t stop me. I’ve grow too accustomed now, I don’t want to. My eyes tear up as it all comes out, and I think about my goal, I’m satisfied now that everything is gone. I promised him I’d never go back, it’d never get that bad, it’d never be worse, I’ve kept it from the one person that knows me the best. But I’m happy now, I’m going to be perfect. Just one more time, right?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I miss you and it’s killing me.
I should hate your guts after all the shit you put me through. But I don’t. Not at all, not even a little bit. I still just want to make you happy because your sad all the fucking time. I still just want to be yours. I still just want to sit in an empty room and just stare into nothing with you. I loved how we could spend hours talking or hours in silence. I loved how you were like my half, my angel. But i guess god ripped off your wings a long time ago and i never got the fucking memo.